Alone

He sees them together everyday.

He knew this would happen though, didn't he? He knew this would happen one day. He'd known since fifth year that this would happen. He told himself it wouldn't hurt, but it did. It hurt more than anything else in the world.

He remembers the day he found out like it was yesterday.

"Padfoot, guess what? Tonks and I finally got together. I know I said I wasn't going to date… but she is wonderful," Remus gushed. It had been right after an Order meeting. Remus had been wearing a blue button-up and faded jeans. The smile on his face could light up a whole entire room. Remus had finally looked young again that day. He had looked positively gorgeous, and he had gotten the lovely opportunity to sit next to him.

That was the day Sirius Black's heart broke into a million pieces.

"That's great!" he'd replied enthusiastically, wrapping his arms around his dear friend. Remus hugged him back tightly, and he wished he never had to let go. But he did, at the appropriate time, because Remus could never know the way he felt. Never.

Now, Remus and Tonks, they were always together. Instead of his usual seat next to Remus, he was forced to watch as Tonks took his place. It hurt so damn much.

He felt himself slowly slipping away.

Before, he could deal with Remus being straight- as long as he stayed single and his best friend, unaware of the feelings he harbored for him. But now, now, he'd seen the way he looked at Tonks.

He would spend all night wondering what it'd be like to have Remus look at him that way.

"Sirius, you seem quiet today. Is there something wrong?" Oh Merlin, did Remus know how beautiful his eyes were? Did he know what they did to him?

"No, I'm fine," he said quietly, hoping he sounded convincing. Maybe Remus would leave now- so he wouldn't have to keep looking at those goddamned perfect eyes that haunted his dreams- the ones that made him wake up, sweating and in need of a cold shower.

"Okay," he had responded, unconvinced and upset. He didn't like upsetting Remus, but he couldn't tell the truth, anyways.

Might as well hurt you with a lie than scare you away with the truth, he'd thought, though he knew that wasn't the proper saying. He didn't care. He stopped caring a while ago.

___

Suddenly, Tonks was pregnant and Remus was freaking out. He didn't know what do to about it and he'd come to him.

"What if he ends up like me? I can't deal with that," Remus cried, his head in his hands. He didn't respond at first, only held him close, as he still hadn't registered the fact that Remus Lupin, the love of his life, was having a child with someone else.

"It will be fine, I promise," he had reassured, stroking Remus's hair.

He let Remus hold him as a comfort for his problems all night.

___

When Teddy was born, he had been happier than he thought he would.

Teddy was gorgeous; just like his father. He never wanted to stop holding the little bundle of life. Remus was incredibly happy, too- in fact, he'd never seen him happier. Though it hurt still, a lot, he had been genuinely happy that whole entire day.

If seeing Remus this happy was all he needed, he would take it. He was strong.

___

Though he had to deal with unrequited love since fifth year; he realized... maybe he wasn't strong as he thought he was. Maybe something had changed.

He had accepted that friendship was all he was getting from Remus; and maybe that was a good thing. It'd be better to have a close bond with him than nothing at all.

One day, it seemed, that wasn't enough for him anymore.

He found himself with a razor in his hands and blood, blood everywhere one night. He didn't remember how he got there or where the blood was coming from- but he knew he was dying. He also knew that he wanted this, that he'd finally be okay after this, because Remus would finally get to know, after all this time… even if it was a tad too late. No more secrets, no more lies, no more pain. That was how he'd always wanted it.

He closed his eyes and waited patiently for the end, smiling.